Sex on Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

Or, "Amour Dans Les Avions, Les Trains, et Les Voitures";)

Dear ________________,


Vroom Vroom...

Squeak Squeak!

Squeeeeal!

A hush. Muffled giggles.

"Was that light there before?"

"Are you sure you know this area?"

"Are the flight attendants sleeping?"

"Put your legs here."

"Oh, hold on, my neck's getting stiff."

"Hold on, someone's coming near, put your head under the covers. Stay down. Keep your mouth where it is."

"Mmm...aagghhtegffffaaaahhh..oh my..OK, I really need some air for a second..."

"Gosh, I didn't remember your cock being THAT big."

"Is it the lighting?"

"Oh, your pussy feels so tight."

Duh.


Passenger seat or backseat?

Recline or straight-up?

Condoms or peanuts?

"An extra blanket and towels, s'il vous plait?"


A tissue. Napkins.

Seat indentations on the skin. Rug burn. Darkness.

A light switch. Mystery.

"Is that your cock or the stick shift?"


Does it matter?

Start. Stop. Shift. Redress.

Ease away slowly...


Oh, what fun it is to ride while riding in an automobile.

Or on a train!


Now, I have yet to fuck on a plane.

But I have given head while my then-boyfriend's parents were sleeping right next to us.

How bold!

How daring!

Ghastly, even.


Yet, hey, what can you do?

Blame it on the menses.


It was that lovely time.

Ok, excruciating time when nature calls.

Being stuck in the air was the absolute worst for this sort of conundrum.

I promise, dear diary, the only reason I was so very, very naughty was because it took my mind off of the pain.

Oh, boy, did it ever!


Furthermore, if you can make yourself laugh,

(ok, not with your mouth full, but perhaps interspersed with the dick-in-mouth action)

then that can't help but relieve the tension incurred by:

pain, pleasure, and trying to be a cock ninja chick while cramped in a tight Lufthansa middle row seat and not get booted off an international flight!


The train?

Yeah, different boyfriend.

Fast forward a few years later or so.

En route to Barcelona.

Or maybe it was Amsterdam.

It wasn't our fault my guy and I were assigned an otherwise all-male cabin room.

It happens, surely.


No?

We tucked into our small, twin bed on the bottom bunk in the two bunkbed cabin and dared each other not to queef, shudder, gasp, nor projectile-shoot our lovely, lustful liquids on the guy sleeping just across from us.


Ah, but zee auto!

The real wheels...

Now, those may be innumerable, my dearest.

There's something so wrong, and yet so very right, about doing a 'real' test drive while set in park.

Passers-by only make that much more pleasurable.

Sweet.

Deviant.

And, perhaps even....squishier?

I actually HAVE been sighted by those of the security profession, but, apparently, they were human.

They must've liked it.

Never even issued a warning.


I'm so very, very...


Well, how uncommon is this, really?

Sex out LOUD.

I mean, really?


One cannot always find the right time in the comfort of one's home nor that of another.

It may not even be ideal, depending on who you want to bang and who is actually available in your home.


Especially so if those two are not mutually exclusive.


Ah, yes, dear__________.

Sometimes sex on wheels is the only way at the time.

And even if this sex "out" loud is rare, I believe it is precisely this rarity which elevates it to the status of a real Kodak moment.

I'm glad you agree, my love.

Originally published on March 1, 2011 on To Live and Grind in L.A.